Why do couples fight? The most frequent reason is that their deepest sense of connection is damaged by the words they choose. Hearts may be in the right place, but saying the wrong thing can cause lasting damage. Fights can happen over issues large and small. Each person triggers the other until both spiral to a place neither wants to be. Let’s explore this to uncover the right things to say.
Why do fights get ugly?
Language analysis shows that, in arguments, couples aren’t actually addressing each other’s concerns but are misperceiving each other’s reactions and responding to the wrong concerns, leading to mangled communication. Like people who speak different foreign languages, words get repeated, and voices get louder, as though automatic repetition and volume overcome the absence of understanding. Like unintended insults that are not quickly addressed become lasting sensitivities, old injuries to one’s sense of self can be reignited. These sensitivities and old injuries can be remnants of one’s personal history and trauma. Louder and louder voices reflecting hurt feelings cycle to damage how they feel about each other. This can further alter their perceptions of each other and cause disastrous consequences. Even otherwise loving couples can, as a function of poor communication, create distance, disconnection, and even a level hatefulness that can lead to divorce.
Have you found yourself in positions similar to any of these?
I thought we were having a civil discussion. Why did you get so angry? (You are being unreasonable, too emotional, and not listening.)
You questioned me, attacking my motives, but I was explaining why I did what I did. Understanding the context demonstrates that
I wasn’t doing something wrong. Shouldn’t it? Why all the anger? (Underlying message: You are being unreasonable, too emotional, and not listening.)
If we weigh the facts in a healthy debate, we can determine what and who was right or wrong. That isn’t a personal insult. We both want the right solution, don’t we? Why do you get so angry? (Underlying message: You are being unreasonable, too emotional, and not listening.)
Does this sound like an argument you’ve had, and you still don’t understand why it turned into a fight? Has this happened repeatedly? Are you frustrated knowing it will happen again? Will both of you do the same thing yet somehow expect a different outcome, even though you know it won’t?
Read on to learn why your conversations go south and how to turn them around.
Defense Vs understanding
You may disagree, but the reactions cited above are defensive and make things worse. By defensive, I mean defending your actions and ideas — I’m not referencing Freud here, but the sense that you can’t deal with whatever emotions are emanating from your unconscious. Simply put, you are refuting what was said, not communicating that you heard and understood what was being said to you. You are defending your actions, protesting that you haven’t done anything wrong and that your actions were justified. You are telegraphing overt or covert criticism: that your partner is being unreasonable and overly emotional, and thus not listening.
You are probably right. They aren’t listening. They are very emotional. They are being unreasonable. So are you. Who will be the one to be the grown-up? Or will you argue about that too?
You may protest to me that you are answering what was being said to you. No, you aren’t. You don’t even show that you know what was said to you. Perhaps you heard most of the words, but you missed the meaning.
How Are You Processing What You’re Hearing?
Meaning is everything. If you were to ask yourself, “What was the meaning of what was said?” and then ask the person with whom you are talking if your understanding was correct, the conversation could turn in a more promising direction. If you were to ask yourself, “What was the feeling behind those words?” — and ask again if your perception of the meaning and feelings were correct, you would be almost halfway to a much better conversation. Hold on to your reactions and feelings about what was said to you. We will get to that in due course. First, if we are going to have a healthy, productive conversation and not fight, we must prioritize validating accurate understanding by getting confirmation that our understanding is correct. If you can do everything up to this point, the conversation has the potential to become very useful.
But if you simply follow your feelings and react, chances are that your response will be defensive reactions that refute or explain actions but don’t validate your partner’s experience. In its mildest form, this is impulsively trying to justify or put into context the reasons for actions that are being questioned or attacked. In its worst form, it is gaslighting, convincing someone to disbelieve their own eyes. Consciously gaslighting is sick and potentially dangerous. To be explicitly understood is affirming and positive.
Validating another’s experience is not the same as agreeing with them. It is only affirming that you get their position. After confirming that you have achieved the correct understanding, you may or may not agree. Sometimes, when we hear out loud what we just said, we recognize that we have not expressed ourselves appropriately, and our position softens. Listening to how we have been heard can facilitate self-awareness and insight. Good outcomes can grow from mutual understanding. From mutual misunderstanding, what is the most likely outcome? Not what you want.
Responses to partner conflict
There are healthy and unhealthy responses to the pattern I am calling defensive. Stuffing your feelings and letting them turn into silent but hardened resentments — that’s unhealthy. So is becoming aggressive with mean words or intimidation, trying to talk louder until you scream over the other’s voice. Unresolved resentments and aggressiveness are likely to build up to become corrosive. Worse, either party may give up on the relationship, and unknowingly or knowingly destroy it.
Developing new, healthy practices and patterns is the hard part. It is very hard to change well-ingrained behaviors. Emotionally delivered criticism can feel like an assault on one’s deepest sense of self. It is especially hard to prevent lashing out, which is an almost-innate, automatic reaction to what feels like an attack. The inherent promise is that the effort of change returns much greater benefits than the cost of change.
So, how do we change these patterns? It begins with each person understanding their own emotional triggers and working to avoid setting them off. Name-calling, yelling, or any use of force brings the interaction to a premature end. It also escalates the emotional intensity and potential for damage to relationships. If you find yourself resorting to any of these tactics, you have lost control of yourself and the conversation. You are no longer in a position to have a rational discussion.
At this point, all you can do is apologize and try again later.
In order to get to that later point, it is necessary to deescalate the situation. Shouting or using force will only make it worse. The best way to deescalate is by using humor or affection. Humor diffuses the emotional intensity and takes the wind out of the other person’s sails. It also shows that you are not taking things seriously and that you do not see yourself as being in a conflict.
Affection also has a calming effect. It reminds the other person that you like them. This opens up your heart and can lead to more intimate sharing of thoughts and feelings. But be cautious with humor; it may not land in the other person’s context, so watch if they are laughing too.
This approach does not remove the conflict or resolve it for good, but it delivers a new space and entry into the relationship. It reduces the emotional temperature and gives both of you a chance to regroup and resettle before trying again.
Taking time out is also critical in managing these interactions. Going for counseling or therapy can help because it provides an impartial third party who will support each person’s need to be heard and not blamed. When you know that there will be a third party present to help with the interpretation, you are likely to air out your feelings more honestly and authentically. It is much harder to play games or withhold information when another person is listening in.
Taking time out can also cool down both of you so that when you talk again, you are able to do so more productively.
In order for this kind of process to work, both parties need to be invested in change. It takes a great deal of effort and energy to modify entrenched patterns. If one person is not interested in changing or is only interested in winning the argument, then the likelihood of success is very small.
What should you do if your mate does not show an interest in change or refuses to participate in the process? Those are difficult questions. I welcome your comments and wish you well as you work toward happiness.
What Does Healthy Look Like?
To make change easier, here is how we can define healthy so you can understand the goal and recognize it as you get there:
Healthy is watching your emotions so that you can fully understand and express accurately what you think you are hearing.
Healthy is being able to listen to what is being expressed about the other person, appreciating that this isn’t about you at that moment. They are angry or upset or hurt. They raise their voice to be heard. By choosing to listen instead of respond immediately, you are being healthier.
Healthy is finding a way to show your partner that they are being heard.
Healthy is not automatically assuming your understanding is correct but using thoughtful words to validate your own understanding instead.
These new healthy patterns and reactions communicate that you care about understanding the other person. Even if your understanding is wrong, you are showing that you care about them by seeking to understand their perspective. Prioritize Accurate Understanding and Expressing It with Sensitivity
Too often people assume that they correctly understand when they do not. That leads to reflexively explaining themselves and why the other is mistaken. No matter how you characterize that reaction, it is a criticism. Think about it: In the heat of the moment, do you really expect that showing them how they were wrong will be received well? How often does criticism become constructive when raw, hurt, angry emotions are driving the conversation and relationship?
Even if you do understand, do they know you do? Do they feel understood? How do you know? Remember, this isn’t about you at this time. It will be later. It has to be about you, too, at some point, or your relationship is in really big trouble. One-sided relationships are miserable for one or, more likely, for both. We must take this one step at a time.
How to maintain a successful relationship
Any relationship that has a way to resolve conflict and stop arguing has a good chance of lasting when one partner feels attacked the other partner should listen to their perspective and understand the effort to focus on stopping arguing.
Understanding your partner’s point
Communication the personal emotions either present or past helps in avoiding arguing with the partner in the future and to resolve future arguments. A therapist will always help the spouses by providing a solution to their fighting, a simple conversation can help stop the real problem and help control the possible conflicts.
Resolving an argument
It is very hard to change well-ingrained behaviors. Emotionally delivered criticism can feel like an assault on one’s deepest sense of self. It is especially hard to prevent lashing out, which is an almost-innate, automatic reaction to what feels like an attack. The inherent promise is that the effort of change returns much greater benefits than the cost of change.
Using critical inner voice to solve problems
Learning how to stop fighting with your mate using the critical inner voice is very possible. The first step is to be aware of how the critical inner voice functions in your relationship. Once you are aware of its presence, you can begin to challenge and change the thoughts and beliefs that lead to destructive behavior.
The second step is insight. You must understand why you are engaging in these behaviors and what needs or desires you are trying to meet with them. Often, we act out in destructive ways in order to protect ourselves from emotional pain. We may believe that if we hurt our partner, they will leave us and we will be alone. This is the critical inner voice at work, convincing us that we are not good enough and that we must take care of ourselves. If you can understand these motivations, you can work to develop healthier ways of meeting the same needs. “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”
The third step in learning how to stop fighting with your mate is to come up with an alternative, positive behaviors that will meet the needs you are currently meeting in hurtful ways. This is often easier said than done, but if you can find healthy ways to get your emotional needs met, you will not feel the need to act out in destructive ways. Feeling emotional all the time can lead to having problems in marriage. Difficult issues tend to bring conflict among many couples. A therapist who offers professional help to partners in relationships talks with them and helps them focus away from the anger, communication, or speaking out on the stress helps avoid fights among partners.
An example of how normal partners can stop arguments is using the present moment problems and thinking of how it was resolved in the past, the ability to hear and break any response on how the couples react to break the conflict and stop arguing. A healthy mental health relationship makes the couples avoid pick fights all the time.
According to psychologists, many couples develop unhealthy relationship patterns over time. These patterns are hard to change especially if they’ve become so habitual that partners don’t realize how destructive they can be. However, with the right kind of professional help, most couples can learn to break these patterns and create new ones that work much better. Using basic skills like active listening, open communication, and other interpersonal skills can stop fighting in a relationship.
Conclusion
The article has discussed the difference between healthy relationships and unhealthy ones, how to prevent arguing with your partner, understanding your partner’s point of view, and resolving conflicts. It has also highlighted how normal partners can stop arguments using various techniques. Lastly, it has provided some advice on how to seek professional help if needed.
The effort of change returns much greater benefits than the cost of change. A therapist will always help the spouses by providing a solution to their fighting, a simple conversation can help stop the real problem and help control the possible conflicts. Fighting is a part of every relationship, but it doesn’t mean that it has to be destructive. If you and your partner are willing to work on changing the destructive patterns in your relationship, you can learn to stop fighting with each other. Professional help can make this process a lot easier, but it is possible to do it on your own as well. With a little bit of effort, you can create a healthy and happy relationship for both yourself and your partner.
